


I care because you're Agnes P. Jurati

by lopez_reyes7



Category: Star Trek: Picard
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Friendship/Love, Mentions of Suicide, Romance, The Agnebal we all want, i tried to keep it concise but then this happened, the holograms deserve better, what is the nature of your- oh bloody hell!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:46:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23812531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lopez_reyes7/pseuds/lopez_reyes7
Summary: For people whoa) love Agnes and Agnebal and think they deserve better orb) dislike Agnes and Agnebal and want to have their minds changedBasically Agnebal how it should have happened. Set from 'Stardust City Rag' to 'Broken Pieces'. Some of the scenes actually happened, some of them didn't, and some have just been modified. Please enjoy :)
Relationships: Agnes Jurati/Cristóbal Rios
Comments: 11
Kudos: 20





	I care because you're Agnes P. Jurati

Agnes woke up in a cold sweat. She wanted nothing more than to curl into a ball and cry, but she couldn't. She couldn't do anything of the sort. Not since Commodore Oh had grabbed her head and forced violent images in. Since then nothing had been the same. Just the thought of Oh brought the haunting sequence rushing back. Agnes squeezed her eyes shut and clenched her fists, locking her jaw and trying to see the visions through without screaming. When she eventually opened her eyes, she tumbled out of bed and proceeded to dashing to her bathroom and throwing up. She began to shiver as the slick sweat covering her cooled in the cold air of space. Even when Agnes crawled back into her warm covers, she continued to shake. Probably her body trying to deal with whatever was happening to her.

Knowing she needed to sleep, Agnes tucked her knees up to her chest and closed her eyes, willing herself not to fall into memories of Oh's mindmeld. She didn't. But instead she went back to something that was almost as bad.

Agnes was still very young, barely an adult, when she began working with Bruce Maddox. She didn't know that it was wrong when he would kiss her and lead her to bed. She had her suspicions; it wasn't every day you went to bed with a man who was old enough to be your grandfather, but she never acted upon them. Did she ever love Bruce? No. But she did have strong feelings for him. He was the Chair of Robotics of the Cybernetic Division at the Daystrom Institute and the Federation's most prominent researcher in his field. That alone had Agnes worshipping him even before they met. Agnes respected Maddox, and he respected her. Even though Agnes wouldn't describe her feelings towards Bruce as 'Love', she did care for him. They worked together every day and he made her laugh and cooked for her. He was the closest friend Agnes had made in, well, ever.

But then Bruce disappeared. After the attack on Mars, he had just vanished without so much as a goodbye leaving Agnes to spend hours on end worrying about where he could be, where he could have gone, whether he was dead. On top of that, Agnes was left in a dying field after the Synth ban. Sure, she could operate theoretically- study, publish and run simulations, but it wasn't the same. Especially without Maddox there.

And then suddenly, after 14 years, Agnes was going to see him again. Picard, Elnor, Cristóbal and Seven would be going down to Freecloud to rescue Maddox and Agnes would stay on board and beam them, and Maddox, back up. And then Agnes would have to kill Bruce. But no one else knew that was part of the plan.

She had been wandering around the bay, thinking about Bruce and his imminent fate while playing with her hands, a habit and distinctive tell she had developed over the years. "It's okay. It will all be okay. You can do this. You have to do this," she muttered to herself when suddenly the Emergency Medical Hologram popped up behind her, causing Agnes to quickly spin around and shriek out of shock and fright.

"What is the nature of your psychiatric emergency?" the hologram asked.

Agnes, unsure how to respond, just stood there watching him, trying to calm her racing nerves as she gulped in much-needed oxygen.

"Your pulse and blood pressure are significantly elevated," the EMH continued.

Knowing that she had to pull herself together, Agnes brusquely responded with, "because you scared the hell out of me," but that didn't stop her heart from continuing to beat rapidly.

"I'd like to give you a sedative."

"I-I don't need a s-" Agnes began before stopping and taking a few rushed, short, shallow breaths. Maybe she should take a sedative? Would that stop everything from roaring through her head so fast and so loud?

Her thoughts were interrupted by Rios asking "Agnes, do you copy?"

"Are you certain; you really-" the hologram continued before Agnes loudly and harshly interrupted with "Yes I am certain!"

"Agnes?" Rios asked again.

"Yes!" She responded. "Hi."

"Who are you talking to?" came the response.

"You. But not you-you." Agnes began but not wanting to explain the situation she just said, "no one."

"Captain, Dr Jurati's experiencing-" the hologram began before Agnes once again interrupted.

"Deactivate EMH," she said in a voice that hopefully sounded less frantic than she was feeling. With a sigh Agnes looked down, purposefully ignoring her shaking hands as she finally gained control over her breathing and said to Rios, "I'm here."

"The operative terms are 'copy that' and 'go ahead'," Rios stated. "Something's not right, we might have to abort. Do you have a lock on them?"

Agnes, welcoming the distraction and reminded of her one job, did have a lock on them so answered with, "yes," before remembering Rios' previous words and adding "uh, affirmative. It's, uh, showing red."

"They haven't activated the pattern enhancer yet. Let me know the instant they do."

"Yes. Copy. Affirmative. Ummm… Whatever." Agnes stumbled over before asking in a clear voice, "What's going on down there?".

A few minutes later, Agnes heard the authoritative voice of Picard command, "Five to beam up Doctor."

So, Agnes held the button and not seconds later everyone appeared. "I did it!" she voiced, happy and surprised. But the sensation didn't last long because there was Maddox, kneeling on the floor and gripping his head looking disoriented and confused. After 14 years, there he was on Captain Rios' ship after Agnes herself had beamed him up.

"Oh my God, Bruce," Agnes said, overwhelmed with emotion she had tried but obviously failed to bury deep. Ignoring the urge to run away and hide and pretend that everything was fine, Agnes rushed over beside Bruce and helped Elnor support his frame.

"He's in bad shape. Exposure, dehydration, maybe other things. Best to get him to sickbay immediately." Picard advised.

"I'll take care of him," Agnes responded without a second thought before beginning to walk in the direction of the medical bay, slightly struggling with the dead weight of Maddox but not complaining.

"Aggie, Aggie," Bruce repeated as they walked, muttering his nickname for her, over and over, after all these years. Something Agnes was not expecting, let alone prepared for.

Once Bruce had been stabilised, Picard came into the Med bay to talk with Maddox. Meanwhile, Agnes was standing off to the side, listening to their conversation and mentally preparing herself for what she would have to do in the very near future.

It would work. It would be okay. She would be okay. At least that's what she kept telling herself.

Turning slightly to see Bruce who was obviously in pain and convulsing dangerously, Agnes hastily walked over to Picard.

"Admiral, he's barely stable. He needs to rest."

"Understood," Picard responded, always controlled, a trait Agnes sorely wished she had. "I'll leave you too it," Picard stated Agnes before walking out, patting Maddox on the shoulder as he left.

Finally alone with Bruce, Agnes stepped into his line of vision, drawing a small smile from him. "Aggie," he said, turning to look at her as best he could. "I thought I was dreaming."

"It's me," Agnes answered him quietly. "I never thought I'd see you again," she said truthfully, her voice wavering slightly.

That statement got Maddox to visibly tense, but he continued never-the-less. "Did-did you see her? Did you get to meet Dahj?"

Agnes just shook her head faintly, muttering "no."

"They're perfect. Perfectly imperfect…" Maddox began. "You did it Aggie. Soong and I; and you. Your contribution was essential." Maddox stated.

Agnes just stood still, trying not to cry. Eventually she couldn't hold the stare any longer so blinked and looked down, away from her former lover.

"One more thing I have to atone for," she said sombrely.

"What do you mean?" Bruce asked as Agnes began pressing the buttons that would lead to the shut down of Maddox's essential organs. Agnes closed her eyes so she wouldn't have to watch.

"What is the nature of your psychiatric emergency?" the EMH asked, appearing before Agnes for the second time in the past hour.

"Your blood pressure and cortisol levels are-" the hologram started before the machine monitoring Maddox began to beep madly as his heart began to fail.

"What is the nature of your medical emergency?" the hologram repeated again in a harsher tone. "You have a high risk of critical organ failure unless hematic micro-repair treatment is resumed."

"Deactivate EMH," Agnes stated with a heavy heart in a strained voice, a single tear rolling down her cheek. There was a part of her that was very tempted to just step back and let the hologram do its thing. But she couldn't. Because it was like there were two entities inside her brain. Her own, and one that hijacked its way in through Oh and gained control whenever it wanted to. So, Agnes deactivated the EMH and shook her head slightly, watching in horror as Maddox used the last of his little energy left to say, "Aggie!"

"I wish you knew what I know," Agnes said to the dying Maddox, her insides ripping themselves open as she watched helplessly. "I wish I didn't know what I know. I wish they hadn't shown me." Agnes' voice wobbled with tears and hurt and anger that she had no way of expressing.

"I'm so sorry." She pleaded as Maddox took his last breath and his face turned a deep black, the never-ending beep of the heart monitor indicating that Bruce's heart had finally given in.

Agnes plastered a hand over her mouth and closed her eyes, finally letting her body shake with sobs. Even as a corpse, Bruce's eyes remained open, staring at Agnes and reminding her of his last words; his final plea for help.

"Aggie, Aggie." She was haunted by the voice of a man who she had killed.

Sitting up in bed abruptly; Agnes began to sob. She hadn't wanted to kill Bruce. It was the last thing she had wanted to do. But she had no choice. As she tried to blink away the tears, another memory overwhelmed her.

Just earlier that day, Agnes was required to explain to Picard what had happened with Maddox.

"The trauma Maddox sustained on Freecloud was significant. Massive wounds to the head and chest gave way to internal bleeding. The meds were enough to keep him stable but… his heart just couldn't take it." Agnes reported to Picard, looking straight ahead and avoiding all eye-contact in case Picard would pick up on the extreme guilt she was feeling. She pressed her lips together and her brow furrowed as the memories of Maddox's death played over and over in her mind.

"This is hard for you." Picard stated.

Agnes continued to look straight ahead and struggled to keep her face devoid of emotion. "Harder than I could've imagined." She contemplated on expanding on that point but deciding against it. Easier to keep in short, she thought. Easier to not talk about it for too long.

Agnes looked down at her hands which were resting on the table and clenched together tightly, fiddling but not too obvious in case Picard noticed. Thankfully they hadn't been around each other long enough for him to discover it was her tell.

Looking back up at Picard, Agnes changed the topic. "You said, um…" she began but stopped, sensing that her voice was going to give her away. Taking a breath, she started again. "Bruce told you the other one's on the artefact?"

"Yes. He called her Soji." Picard said…

Opening her eyes again, Agnes shook her head vigorously, accidently banging it hard against her beg head and wincing from the pain. She rubbed her head, already feeling a bump beginning to emerge. Sinking further into herself, Agnes sighed sadly. She was used to not being able to sleep by now. Determining that tonight just staying awake and pretending that everything was okay while listening to Klingon opera, the only available holo's, would not be enough to ward away the intrusive memories, Agnes decided she needed to run. She would run away, but on a spaceship, there was no away. So running alone would have to do.

Agnes ran and ran, circling the ship until her legs became numb. But she didn't let that stop her, in fact she welcomed the sensation. Not long ago when she was still on earth, Agnes despised the prospect of running simply for leisure. Now she relished it, understanding that it wasn't necessarily a leisure activity, compared a distraction.

Eventually it got to the point where Agnes could run no further. She wheezed as her burning lungs gasped for air. Her legs were heavy and unsteady, and painfully sore. Something to focus on and draw her attention when her mind began slipping, she thought. Her throat was dry, uncomfortably so and Agnes knew she should drink some water. Her head pounded where she had hit it on the bedhead earlier. Touching it again, she felt the lump and her hair which was greasy with sweat- some recent, some from the night when her sleep was plagued with unwanted memories. She needed to get back to her room and have a warm shower. And chocolate milk. And cake. And anything else she could think of at the time to act as a distraction.

After a long shower, Agnes changed into some black sweatpants and a lose singlet top. Comfortable clothes. Because she really needed some comfort. Turning and looking at the clock, she was disappointed to find it reading only 1:34am. She was really hoping it was at least 3. But no luck. Once again nervous energy streamed through her and she didn't feel comfortable staying in her room, so she decided to go out and wander and stare into space. Literally, because she could. Before she could get to the starboard window, Agnes was distracted by a rhythmic thumping sound and followed it. She was surprised to turn the corner and see a shirtless Rios dribbling with a football.

He wove the ball around his feet in mesmerising patterns that were obviously well rehearsed. Then he flicked it up and began juggling, knocking the ball from his foot to his knee to his foot to his other foot and so on. Eventually, he bounced it on his head before kicking in the direction of Agnes who was still hiding in shadows behind a corner.

Stepping out from behind the corner and into the light to pick up the ball, Agnes was in Rios's direct line of vision when he turned around facing her.

"Sorry. Did I wake you?" Rios asked.

Agnes just shook her head, small amounts of water dripping from her hair which was still damp after the shower. She walked towards Rios, head down looking at the ball which was the only thing stopping her hands from shaking.

"Can't sleep?" he asked, slightly concerned by the look on Agnes's face after he was used to her being so bright and bubbly since they had first met. He took a swig from his container containing straight gin that he kept with him at all times, especially for nights like this when his imagination got the better of him and he couldn't shake the ghosts from his former life.

Taking a deep breath, Agnes looked up at Rios. "Why do you like it out here?" she asked.

"In space?" Rios questioned.

"It's cold, and empty…" Agnes began, her eyes darting to the side away from Rios before she added, "and it wants to kill you."

"How about a drink?" Rios offered. He wouldn't usually offer his liquor to others, but he felt bad for Agnes. She was sweet and for some bizarre reason he didn't like seeing her sad.

Hesitantly, she took the flask and had a long sip. Rios watched her the whole time, unable to take his eyes off her hair which was glistening in the artificial light.

"You and Maddox were pretty close huh?" he asked Agnes, trying to grasp the reason for her discomfort.

She just stood there, biting her lip and looking down at her hands which were clenched together so tightly that the knuckles were turning white. That was hint enough that this wasn't really a topic Agnes was comfortable discussing. So Rios wouldn't press. He had his fair share of things he wasn't willing to discuss either. That didn't stop Agnes from looking uncomfortable, however. And Rios didn't want Agnes to be uncomfortable around him.

"You know if you want to talk about it or tell me anything, I'm here." Rios said, getting Agnes to look up at him though her eyes still darted from side to side. He wasn't sure whether it was because she was nervous, or just very tired. Given the bags developing under her eyes, Rios formed the impression that she hadn't had a decent night's sleep in a long time so assumed it was more that factor. He stood there, looking at her for a while, assessing her body language. Her shoulders were hunched indicating something weighing down on her and her hands being strained to a point of pain seemed to be something grounding her. Assuring her she was still here. Once again that was something Rios was all too familiar with. His back was covered in scars that could easily have healed perfectly with the aid of technology. But he liked the natural feeling and residual pain of a healing wound. It was what kept him grounded. Most concerning for Rios however was the look in Agnes's eyes. It was a look that said more than fright and concern; it was a look that said she was broken. And Rios didn't like that. Because when it got to that state, giving up completely was far too easy.

Quickly closing the minimal space between them, Rios stepped into Agnes, connecting his lips to hers softly. He was never one with words, that was more Picard's thing, and Rios hoped that he could convey more with his actions, comforting Agnes in ways literature couldn't. And Agnes kissed back, placing a gentle hand on his bare shoulder as he rested one on the small of her back. Cris dropped his soccer ball in the heat of the moment as he pulled Agnes closer to him, feeling the beating of her heart against his chest. His breathing quickened, as did hers.

In the end it was Agnes who pulled away. She didn't want to, but she knew it was the right thing to do. Rios was a kind man with a big heart, though he didn't always advertise it. He didn't deserve to deal with her. So, she pulled away, but left her forehead resting on his.

"I've never slept with the captain of anything before," Agnes stated, a small grin on her face, drawing a chuckle from Rios.

"Well," he shrugged, "I'd recommend it."

Rios began walking backwards slowly, leading Agnes towards his quarters. She followed for a few steps but then stopped, shaking her head sadly.

"What's wrong?" Rios asked sincerely.

Agnes just buried her head in her hands, letting out a sigh and saying, "I have a superpower. I can sense mistakes while I'm making them."

Rios just smiled. "That's not much of a superpower."

"No. It's useless." Agnes remarked with a smile before looking down gloomily again. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Rios responded. "Tell me what you're feeling."

Agnes just stood still, taking a deep breath as her hands moved from resting on her thighs to being clenched together once again. Her eyes began to water and the tip of her nose turned red as she looked past Rios into empty shadows. "Hollow. Hopeless." She let out a shaky breath and looked back up to Rios. "Lonely. Afraid."

This time it was Agnes who initiated the kiss. Her hand was shaking slightly as it drifted to his hip. It settled there as he wrapped an arm around her back and pulled her closer. She inhaled sharply, her mind repeating the same sentence over and over. "Don't do this... don't do this." The sound of her heart was beating so loudly she couldn't concentrate. She was against his warm chest, chiselled to perfection. She splayed her hand against it, intending to push him away, but instead leaving it there, feeling the toned muscles around his neck and shoulder. She urged herself to push away but couldn't. For that moment, she wasn't worrying about Bruce or Oh or anything else that had happened. It was just her and Rios.

When Agnes eventually broke the kiss, it was with a tear stained face. She knew she had done the right thing. The right thing just happened to suck.

"Sh." Rios hushed her, before moving his finger, and pressing his hand against her cheek. Slowly, he moved his hand from her cheek to the back of her head, his fingers tangling in her wet, curly blonde hair. When he passed the bump on her head, Agnes ignored the pain.

"Is that going to help at all?" Rios asked, genuinely wanting to make Agnes feel better. There were times when he had felt hollow, helpless, lonely and afraid. Those were times he needed a distraction. He would happily distract Agnes, he thought.

"Maybe for a few hours anyway," she responded, turning to walk to Rios's cabin. Her hands were behind her back, finding Cristóbal's as she led him away.

When Cris woke up, he turned to face Agnes whose body was rigid; her fists clenched and eyes squeezed shut so tightly that the rest of her face was also scrunched. It was obvious that she was in the middle of a nightmare and despite Rios' extensive knowledge on the matter, he was unsure whether to wake Agnes up, or leave her to get through it alone. Wanting to at least do something, he gently caressed her arm, resulting in Agnes opening her eyes and turning to look at Rios before squeezing them shut again and pushing her head down into the pillow. So, she had been awake the whole time. Rios wondered just how much sleep Agnes had gotten during the night. His thoughts were interrupted however when he felt an intense pressure in his hand. Looking over, Rios realised that his hand had slipped down Agnes' arm and that she had taken a hold of it, gripping it very tightly. Then again, Rios couldn't blame her as that was probably the amount of pressure she was used to applying when her own hands were grasped together. Rios gave Agnes's hand a small squeeze back and left his hand in hers. The tight grip was less than comfortable but Agnes was only small and wasn't so strong that Rios couldn't deal with the pain. In fact, he had dealt with much worse. It was worth it if Agnes would be more at ease anyway.

When the worst of what Agnes was imaging had finally passed, her grip loosened on Rios as she bolted out of bed and stumbled towards the bathroom, collapsing on the floor and throwing up into the toilet. Less than a second behind her was Rios, kneeling on the floor next to her and rubbing her back, holding her hair out of her face. He didn't ask any questions, just tried to make her as comfortable as possible. Agnes didn't deserve Rios. He was so perfect, and she was just… just a mess. One tear sliding down her cheek was enough to open the floodgates as more kept coming. She was lying on the floor of her captain's bathroom sobbing and feeling helpless when warm, sturdy arms enveloped her. She felt a gentle hand wipe away the water that was flowing down her face. Agnes had never had someone to help her when she cried. Before, when she was with Maddox, she had no reason to cry; and whenever it happened since then she was alone. And now here was Rios, doing his best to hold together the remnants of Agnes that didn't die along with Bruce and her innocence.

Once Agnes had calmed down, Rios asked tenderly, "Are you okay?"

Agnes nodded.

"Are you lying?"

Agnes nodded again.

Rios just held her tighter.

"I'm sorry," Agnes told Rios a few minutes later.

"Don't be." Rios responded simply.

Agnes started to say something more, but Rios shushed her. He didn't need her feeling guilty when she hadn't done anything wrong.

"I'm going to take you to the Medbay so that the Emergency Medical Hologram can take a look at you, okay?"

Just the thought of going to the Medbay sent shivers down Agnes's spine and made her want to throw up again.

"No!" Agnes said, breaking Rios's grip and jumping up. "No, no. I'm fine. I swear I'm fine."

"I believe you Agnes, but I still want the hologram to make sure…" Rios began comfortingly.

"No," Agnes repeated again. "No, I can't. Please don't make me go. Please." she begged, eyes wide and full of worry.

"I'm not going to force you to do anything," Rios assured Agnes. "I just think it would be best for the EMH to just take a look at you."

"I just have to clear my head," Agnes said, deciding she would do whatever it took as long as she didn't need to go back to that place. "I'll just run. Running helps. I'll run on my own. I've been fine so far. I'll keep on being fine."

With that, Agnes left the room.

"And when do you stop running?" Rios asked quietly, though Agnes was long gone and couldn't hear him.

Later that morning, Agnes ran into Cristóbal, literally.

"Wow, Agnes," Rios said, catching her before she toppled over backwards.

"Sorry." She panted heavily before making a move to continue running.

Cris didn't let go of her.

"How long have you been running?" He asked, bordering concernment.

"I don't know," Agnes replied fleetingly, her breathing still too laboured to properly annunciate the words.

"Do you want to take a break?" Cris requested gently, hoping Agnes would get the hint.

She didn't.

Shaking her head slightly, Agnes responded with, "Got to keep running."

Rios wasn't sure how Agnes would accomplish that given she was barely upright on her own two feet and was only standing up straight because of him supporting most of her weight.

"How about we sit down for a bit?" Rios suggested.

"I don't need to sit down." Agnes countered; but she was already sliding towards the ground as Rios lessened the force he was expending in holding her up. Once Agnes began moving towards the ground, it took a considerable amount of strength to lower her softly and not have her just collapse downwards.

"There you go," Rios said as Agnes sat down.

Agnes just tipped her head back, resting it against the wall as she continued to intake heavy breaths.

"How much sleep did you get last night?" Rios questioned Agnes.

Her silence was response enough.

"Please don't take me to the Medbay," she begged.

Rios remained silent as he helped Agnes up and guided her away.

"Where are we going?" Agnes asked.

"To my room," Cris responded; earning a confused look from Agnes. "So that you can sleep."

"Why your room?"

"Because it means I can monitor you and make sure you're actually sleeping."

Agnes nodded sadly.

Cris stopped walking for a second. "And I know that sometimes emotional baggage follows you around. I don't know if this is true for you, but if there's something in your room that reminds you of certain things, it can make sleeping more difficult. Hopefully there won't be anything like that in my room; It's pretty empty anyway." Cris explained before continuing to walk.

Agnes nodded again.

After that, they walked in silence until they made it to Cristóbal's room.

"It's still quite early, and you obviously haven't slept in a long while, so I want you to stay in here and try to sleep for at least five hours. If you can't do that then I'll have to take you to the Medbay," Rios clarified.

Agnes understood, although she didn't like it, and was grateful that she had someone like Rios to help her out when she needed it most. She hoped to be able to return the favour one day.

Agnes slipped under the covers of Rios's bed and laid down, her head sinking into the pillow.

"How do you get to sleep?" Agnes asked shyly, not making eye-contact with Rios.

"The usual way." Cris shrugged, brushing a piece of hair off her face. "Lie down. Shut my eyes." Rios tucked Agnes in tightly and kissed her on the forehead. "I'll see you in five hours. Sleep well," he cooed as he left the room.

"Thank you." Agnes called after him quietly as he closed the door. She hoped he heard.

After sleep had eluded Agnes for almost an hour, but no bad dreams had come, she decided to look around the room. Sitting up, she noticed that Cris wasn't lying when he said he didn't have much stuff around. There was a collection of books, all discussing fairly morbid topics, lining a bookshelf, and a few small mermaid statues sitting around the room. Other than those few items and a box sitting under a desk, the room was empty. As she continued to survey the space from the bed, Agnes noticed the cameras located around the room so quickly laid back down and curled up into herself. She was extremely tired, but dealing with fatigue seemed easier than what she would have to deal with while asleep. Then again, she wasn't ready to go back to the Medbay so closed her eyes.

When Agnes next woke up she was shaking after reliving the death of Maddox. She willed herself not to cry as she was sure Cris was watching. Crying is nothing but a waste of water and salt, she told herself. Turning to look at the timer, she noticed she still had 3 hours and 38 minutes left. She let out whimper and looked helplessly up at the camera before turning away and once again trying to sleep.

Rios watched feebly from his captain's chair as Agnes thrashed around in her sleep, her face contorting with pain as she dealt with whatever was rushing through her mind. It was bad enough that he had to watch her wake up scared and frightened, but seeing how much she was affected by whatever she was seeing when she was meant to be resting was another thing. Maybe he should have just taken her to the Medbay.

After the longest five hours of her life, Agnes left Cristóbal's room and met him at the Bridge. Her hands were still visibly shaking, and she hoped he wouldn't notice.

"Hi," she said quietly.

Not one for antics, Rios cut to the chase. "How long do you think you actually slept for?" he asked.

"Maybe two hours." Agnes answered resignedly.

"That seems optimistic," Rios responded.

"It probably is," Agnes replied.

If it were possible, Agnes looked more tired than she had before her rest. She hadn't regained any energy but seemed to have expended some both physically and mentally. On top of that she looked small and anxious and disheartened.

"Oh, dammit!" Raffi exclaimed walking into the Bridge. "I told you Cris."

Seeing a flashing red dot on Raffi's display, Agnes asked, "What does it mean?"

"It means somebody's tailing us." Rios explained with a grunt. "Must be since we left the cube. He's good, keeping just at or beyond the limits of Sirena's scanners."

"What kind of somebody?" Raffi questioned.

"Small. Fast. A scout ship."

"Romulan, probably. One of those little snake ships they got," Raffi predicted.

"Snakeheads," Rios responded. "Double sub-thrusters. Massive firepower for their size."

"Can you shake him?" Raffi inquired.

Rios raised his eyebrows slyly. "Take a seat."

Raffi quickly rushed to her chair and sat down as Rios began pressing some buttons. Agnes, exhausted, confused, and unaware of what was going on after zoning out of the conversation, remained standing staring out the window, hands fiddling behind her back where no one would see them. She was reminded of when Oh came to question her about what she was doing meeting with Picard and had forced her to swallow a tracker. She could still remember the metallic taste and crunch of the device as she was made to chew it, her voice wavering and whole-body trembling as it slid down her throat.

"Agnes. Take a seat, honey." Raffi instructed tenderly, gesturing towards her chair.

Agnes, temporarily distracted from her thoughts but still very shaken, hesitantly moved towards her seat.

"You okay?" Rios asked, noticing Agnes's diffident behaviour.

Turning unsurely to face Cris, Agnes nodded unconvincingly, too apprehensive to speak. If Raffi hadn't distracted her, she almost certainly would have fallen into a trance of images that was all too difficult to break away from.

Wanting to run over and comfort Agnes but knowing he had to shake their tail, Rios just told her, "Hold tight," before jumping into warp and quickly coming back out of it.

"Now what?" Raffi asked.

"Now we just wait till he- whoosh! Overshoots us." Rios explained. He sighed, jumping out of his chair and checking all of his equipment as he went over his new plan. "At the rate he was travelling, he'll be light-years away before he figures out we're not in front of him anymore. Then I just lay in an alternate course for Nepenthe, in case he doubles back."

"Nepenthe?" Agnes questioned.

"Yeah. Where have you been for the last few hours? Asleep?"

Raffi couldn't have been further from the truth.

"I'm sorry, I wanna be the fun crew member who says, 'Let's hide in that comet,' and it turns out to be a giant gormagander or something; but, can I ask a maybe dumb question?" Agnes asked.

Raffi spun her chair to face Agnes expectantly, shrugging her shoulders and smiling to encourage her to continue.

"Do you guys actually wanna go to Nepenthe?"

"This isn't an outing, honey," Raffi clarified.

"No, I know-" Agnes began before being interrupted by Raffi.

"We're going to Nepenthe to pick up Picard. And the Synth chick."

Agnes really didn't want to deal with thinking of synthetics at the moment so hurriedly got out of her chair and started making her way to her room, already beginning to breath more heavily.

"I remember you the night we left Earth," Raffi stated, halting Agnes. "Standing there in your cute little blue coat. So excited about going out into space and meeting a real live sentient synth, like you've always dreamed of."

Agnes began to tear up. That had been her dream since she was a little girl. And then it all changed because of Commodore Oh and what she forced into Agnes's mind.

"But it seems like the closer we get to finding her, the less you want to be there," Raffi continued.

Knowing she needed to say something and in desperate need to let off some steam, Agnes faced Raffi and Rios. "I just want to go home. Okay? I want you to turn this ship around, point it at the Earth and push play. I want everything to go back to how it was before! Picard can look after himself, and somebody else can find that fucking synth. Why does it have to be me?"

Raffi's eyes widened in shock as she let out a small yet audible gasp. She was not expecting an outbreak from anyone, especially not Agnes.

"I've got a paying client, Agnes. You just came along for the ride." Rios justified, but by the pointed look on Raffi's face, he knew he had said the wrong thing. He definitely wasn't one with words.

"And now, you come along for a ride with Auntie Raffi," Raffi said soothingly, walking over to Agnes who was still standing alone looking afraid. "She's gonna hook you up with whatever you need. Okay?"

Raffi wrapped an arm around Agnes, leading her towards the mess hall.

"Is it cake?" Agnes asked, her voice wavering.

Raffi turned to look at Agnes, "You bet it's cake," she responded in a sure voice.

The hum of the replicator filled the quiet room as another large slice of red velvet cake was being made. Raffi collected it and brought it over to Agnes. "There you go honey," she said, putting it down.

"Thank you," Agnes said quietly, picking up a fork and hesitating before cutting the cake.

"Need some more milk?" Raffi asked.

"Yes please," Agnes responded after a short pause.

"Okay," Raffi said getting up and going back over to the replicator. "Chocolate?"

That drew a smile from Agnes, only small but a smile none the less. "That's probably overdoing it."

"Hmmm," Raffi grumbled, shaking her head. "No such thing on Planet Raffi," she said, making yet another chocolate milk. "There you go."

"Thank you," Agnes said again. "Thank you for being so kind to me. You're a good person."

That statement shocked Raffi. "Mm. Well, thank you. But I'm more like the wreckage of a good person. In an emergency, you can slap together a temporary good person out of the pieces but- Oh, Agnes…" she started as Agnes began to cry. She'd killed Maddox. She could never be a good person again and she didn't think she had it in her to even slap together a temporary good person, in the words of Raffi, regardless of an emergency.

"Are we looking at an emergency here?" Raffi asked.

Agnes choked back louder sobs.

"Is it Cris?"

At the mention of Cris, Agnes knew she had to pull herself together. "No," she said, wiping her face. "No."

"Oh. Agnes, I'm such an idiot. It's Bruce Maddox."

Agnes felt herself beginning to slip into her mind, the start of what Oh showed her beginning to play.

"To see him after so long. And right away to have to lose him…" Raffi continued to Agnes before screaming up at Rios who was stomping around above them like a crazed elephant. "What's wrong!?"

"Our little shadow is back," he responded gruffly.

"Are you sure it's the same guy?"

"Identical warp signatures!"

As the conversation between Rios and Raffi continued, the images flashing through Agnes's mind became louder, faster and more violent. Danger. Destruction. Death. Danger. Destruction. Death. Danger. Destruction. Death…

"How is that possible?" Raffi queried.

"Unclear," Cris answered. "I'm going to try something different. See if I can-"

As the images ended, Agnes turned away from the table and retched, all the food she'd consumed in the last 12 hours coming back up.

"Wow. Oh. Oh." Raffi sounded, getting out of her chair and moving around to Agnes.

"Is that blood!?" Rios asked, concerned.

Raffi looked up to Rios guiltily. "Red velvet."

Cris sighed, shaking his head and moving back towards the Bridge. Once again, he was left to deal with their shadow.

Meanwhile, Agnes continued to cough, still curled over facing the floor.

"Ugh," Raffi groaned, trying to stop herself from hurling but continuing to pat Agnes on the back supportively. "Hello," Raffi voiced, looking around the empty room. "We've got a hospitality emergency here."

No hologram appeared so Raffi assumed she would have to deal with this one herself. Looking down at the pile of vomit, Raffi gagged herself but swallowed it back down. She really, really disliked situations like this.

Seeing Agnes still gasping and struggling for air, Raffi got over herself and comforted Agnes. "You're okay. You're okay," she soothed. "One more. You're okay."

Eventually, the Emergency Hospitality Hologram did come and clean up the mess hall and Raffi returned to the Bridge with Rios who had averted their Romulan follower for the time-being, letting him go check on Agnes who was sitting alone at a now-clean table looking down at her hands. Rios had noticed that she did that a lot.

"Hey," Rios said, announcing his presence.

"Hi."

"How're you holding up?"

"I'm not," Agnes responded. "Not really."

Rios sat down beside Agnes and grabbed hold of her. One of his arms went around her shoulders while his other hand rested lightly behind her head. It's only when Agnes felt Cristóbal's arms around her that she realised how tense she'd been; so rigid that she could barely relax into the hug. That didn't stop Rios though. Agnes let out a deep breath and was surprised to hear herself shudder. She didn't realise how badly she needed something like this. For a moment, she rested her forehead against Rios's shoulder and felt something inside of her break. Her vision became blurry and she squeezed Rios, probably harder than she should have but he didn't complain. When Agnes realised her cheeks were wet, she hurriedly let go of Rios and wiped her face. She wasn't going to do this to Rios. Not again. But Rios kept an arm around Agnes and helped her stand up, taking her hand in his and guiding her towards the Medbay. Agnes was too distracted to realise.

As they walked through into the Medbay and Agnes realised where they were, she began to panic.

"This is silly. I'm fine," she protested, the hand not held by Rios gesturing wildly. "I-I ate a slice of cake the size of a Borg Cube. And then I had another one. And then I started on number three." Agnes masked her voice wavering with a small chuckle as she sat down. She felt herself becoming breathless and the walls seemed to close in on her. Was it getting hotter? Agnes felt as though it was and took her jacket off, folding it badly in a rush and setting it down on her lap. She couldn't stop herself from seeing Maddox dead in this very room because of her. Agnes sighed, closing her eyes and covering them with a hand, but it didn't seem to do anything. She placed her hand back in her lap and opened her eyes but kept her jaw clenched. Focusing on Rios, she tried to ignore her surroundings.

"Okay, listen," Rios began. "Really I brought you here because I have to talk to you."

"Cris, you don't need to say anything," Agnes juddered. "You and I-"

Rios interrupted Agnes, not intending nor wanting to talk about whatever they were. "I managed to shake our shadow again, but if he keeps finding us, I think I might know why."

All of a sudden, Agnes became frozen in place. Did Rios know?

"What if Raffi's being tracked?" Rios thought aloud. "Think about it."

At Cris suspecting Raffi, Agnes's eyebrows rose in surprise.

"Remember how mysterious she was acting before we got to Freecloud? Her whole 'goodbye forever' routine? And then she comes right back. No explanation. What was that about? Where did she go? Who did she see?"

Agnes felt her throat constricting, but she couldn't let Raffi take the blame. Not after she'd been so kind. "No," Agnes whimpered.

"I know," Cris jumped in. "I hate to think Raffi would betray us like that, endanger our lives. Maybe somebody… Romulans… placed a tracker on her without her knowing."

Throughout Rios's speech, Agnes's eyes watered as she started trembling. "It's not Raffi."

"So, what it's you?" Rios asked sarcastically, chuckling.

It both comforted and hurt Agnes by how much faith Cris had in her. He shouldn't trust her. She didn't even trust herself.

"You've been stuck on La Sirena since we left Earth," Cris stated, trying to convince himself that it couldn't possibly be Agnes, no matter how guilt-ridden and remorseful she looked.

"Rios!" Raffi screamed from the Bridge, an alert blaring loudly. "Shit! He's back!"

Cris took one last look at Agnes who was willing herself not to break down before turning and rushing back to Raffi and the Bridge.

Agnes knew what she needed to do next. And it was herself thinking, not whatever Oh had forced into her head. But that didn't stop it from being scary as hell. She gasped a few times as a single tear fell down her cheek. Agnes panted as she buried her face in one hand, the other still tightly gripping her jacket. As she began to tremble Agnes pursed her lips together in an attempt to prevent herself from groaning. Accepting her fate, she got up and slowly walked towards the Medbay replicator. It beeped as she put in her request and hummed as it was being created.

"Uranium hydride synthesised," the automated voice said. "Warning, depending on species, there may be neurotoxic effects."

There was a click as the replicator opened, Agnes reaching in with a wobbly hand and grabbing the uranium hydride. Taking a shaky breath, Agnes exhaled. "You can do this," she muttered to herself. She looked at the uranium hydride for a moment before holding it up to her neck. The metal was ice cold against her neck and uncomfortable. She kept readjusting its position as she moved her head ever so slightly. She was nervous but waiting was only delaying the inevitable. They're better off without you, Agnes thought to herself. You'll be doing them all a favour. They won't have to deal with you or whoever's tracking you. Agnes shuddered. You don't deserve to live anyway. Not after what you did to Maddox. With a new resolve, Agnes slowed her breathing and held her breath, pressing down on the button and hearing a hiss as it injected her.

The effect was immediate. She couldn't breathe. She let out a hollow breath but then couldn't inhale. Dropping the remains of the uranium hydride onto the workbench, Agnes fell forwards, sliding along the bench and knocking various materials over. She couldn't feel her legs. She had no control. Agnes managed to bring her arms up just in time to stop herself from crashing head-first into a beam. She tried to stand up and move towards a chair to sit down in, but only ended up banging into a table and pushing the chair away as she collapsed to the ground. Maybe she should have just let her head hit the beam. It would have made the process a lot shorter and less painful. Agnes pressed her palms into the floor with all the force she could muster as her body convulsed sharply. Her limp body began to tremble uncontrollably.

She jerked around on the floor, froth foaming in her mouth and spilling out as her face turned a deep shade of red. She needed air. But she couldn't get any.

"What is the nature of your- Oh bloody hell!" the Emergency Medical Hologram said, appearing in the room.

The last thing Agnes saw was the EMH running towards her. She let out a final gasp as the version of Rios blurred and spun before being replaced with a welcomed screen of black.

Back in the Bridge, Rios stroked his beard as he contemplated how to approach the situation with Raffi. He still refused to believe it was Agnes being tracked.

"Raffi, I have one more thought about finding this guy," Rios explained. "But I do not think you're gonna like it very much."

Raffi chuckled before responding sarcastically. "Why? Does it involve shooting me out of an airlock?"

Rios leaned forward, eyeing Raffi, dead serious. "I really hope not."

Raffi turned to face Cris, a confused look on her face. She was about to ask what his idea was when the comm beeped.

"Captain Rios, would you please come to sickbay?" the EMH asked politely.

"Is it Agnes?" Rios asked. "Is she still having stomach trouble?"

"At the moment I'm more concerned with the fact that she's in a coma."

With that news, Rios sprung out of his chair and dashed towards the Medbay, going down the stairs three at a time before sprinting towards Agnes.

He wasn't sure he believed it when he first heard that Agnes Jurati was in a coma. But then he saw her, lying in the bed, breathing but barely detectable. At least she seemed peaceful. Raffi came down behind him and seemed almost as shocked to see Agnes in that state. Almost as shocked. Because nobody could be as shocked as he was. The EMH said she had injected herself with a toxic substance to cancel the effects of a viridium tracker that was present in her system. When Rios asked, the EMH said that it could have been a suicide attempt, though it just as easily could have been an accident. Raffi was suspicious of Agnes. She thought she might have killed Bruce Maddox. The EMH relayed what he knew of that day. It did seem as though Agnes had murdered him. He'd beamed aboard, she'd murdered him and then almost killed herself. It seemed all too familiar for Rios who without a word retreated to his room, ignoring what Raffi was yelling after him.

Rios was still dazed when he and Raffi met Picard and the Synth once they'd beamed up.

"Rios? Rios? Rios, this is Dr Soji Asha," Picard said introducing her. "Rios!"

"What?"

"I need a secure subspace link to Starfleet Command."

"What!?" both Raffi and Soji questioned at the same time.

"And what's the nearest starbase?" Picard continued.

"Deep Space 12," Rios responded.

"Lay in a course," Picard demanded.

When Rios made no move, Picard repeated, "Hey, lay in a course!"

"I will lay in a course for DS12," Rios said aloud not only for Picard's sake but also for his. If he voiced what he was going to do, it made it easier to think about doing it. "But after that, you're on your own, Picard. I'm done," Rios decided, leaving. He swore to himself that he'd never get emotionally attached to anyone ever again. But then Dr Jurati came along. And look what happened to her. He wasn't going to make the same mistake a third time.

"Let me find you a cabin," Picard said to Soji, beginning to lead her away when Raffi got in the way.

"Hi. Raffi," she introduced.  
"Soji."

"Soji, I'm sorry, but your new best friend, Jean-Luc, already brought us one adorable little homicidal double agent."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Picard asked.

"I'm talking about how big a fool you really are!" Raffi responded.

"Yeah. Come," Picard said to Soji. "I'm sorry about her rudeness."

Raffi wasn't willing to let them leave. Quickly turning, she grabbed a gun and pointed it towards Soji but Picard stepped in the way.

"Raffi!" Picard screamed.

"A neuron. That's all you know about her. You built this whole giant fantasy of rescue and sacrifice and redemption out of one piss ant little neuron." Raffi rationalised.

"Now you put that away or be prepared to use it on me," Picard stated.

Raffi sighed in an annoyed manner but put the gun down, not willing to shoot Picard no matter how many idiotic murderers he brought onto the ship.

"Agnes Jurati had a tracking isotop in her blood," Raffi elucidated. "She's a Romulan spy!"

"Fact or theory?" Picard asked calmly.

Raffi widened her posture and shrugged. "Theory."

That was obviously the answer Picard was expecting as he shot Raffi a pointed look, raising his hands in the air before turning towards Soji. "Come."

"We think she killed Bruce Maddox," Raffi continued, finally gaining Picard's attention.

"Who is 'we'?" Picard questioned.

Raffi smiled mischievously. "Follow me," she said. "But leave the synth girl," she added on second thought. She did not want her to be around in case she suddenly spooked and went on a murderous rampage.

"She injected herself with a hydrogen compound," the EMH explained to Picard. "She was trying to destabilise the viridium tracker already present in her system."

"And as soon as she did, we shook our Tal Shiar tail," Raffi said smugly. "Fact. Not theory."

"But to say that she's a Tal Shiar agent?" Picard wondered aloud. "Maybe she didn't know about the viridium until you picked up the tail." Picard always looked for the best in people, no matter how dire the circumstance.

"Maybe," Raffi conceded. "Or maybe they put her on this ship to kill Bruce Maddox. Right after they got done killing Soji's sister."

"Tell me about Maddox," Picard asked the EMH.

"His injuries need not have been fatal. She deactivated me."

"Mm-hmm," Raffi added sassily.

"Then," the EMH continued, "she turned off the hematic micro-repair unit that was stabilising his cardiovascular function."

"She was in distress," Picard reasoned, still not willing to believe Agnes would do such a thing.

"Ugh," Raffi complained. "I told you it was careless to bring her along. Now you're telling us that we need to trust the synth girl too? Tell me, JL, what is Soji really like?"

Picard didn't answer immediately.

"Hmm," Raffi prompted, "Do you know? Does she?"

Picard once again didn't have an answer.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Raffi said, stalking out of the room.

"Where are you going Raffi?" Picard called after her.

"To tell Rios I was right about Jurati," Raffi responded, turning around. "See if it feels any better to rub his face in it."

After running into too many holograms to deal with in a lifetime, let alone a single hour, Raffi determined that Cris had to be in his room. Why he was sad however, Raffi had no idea, but she determined from the holograms that it had something to do with a Captain Alonzo Vandermeer. She was right. She found Cris sitting at the base of his bed, listening to old blues music on vinyl while staring at his bookshelf, some of the titles including 'Death in the Afternoon', 'The Concept of Dread', 'Fear and the Trembling/ The Sickness Unto Death' and 'The Tragic Sense of Life'. She immediately walked over to his replicator, making him a cup of tea before sitting down beside him. She figured that now wasn't the time to rub the fact that she was right about Agnes in his face.

"Cris, how are you doing?" Raffi asked. "Honestly."

"Depends. Is everything still shit?"

"I'm afraid so."

He just nodded...

"So…" Raffi began. "Captain Alonzo Vandermeer."

At the mention of his old captain, Rios looked up at Raffi.

"Is that his Walkman?" she asked, trying to lighten the mood.

"I used to pretend he was my father," Rios said quietly. "Called him 'Pops' in my head. Couple of times it almost slipped out."

Raffi looked at a picture of Rios and Vandermeer that Cris had left sitting beside him.

"Kind of a surprise when he turned out to be a cold-blooded murderer," Cris added.

That got Raffi's attention. It was definitely good that she didn't rub the fact that she was right about Jurati murdering Maddox in Cristóbal's face.

"Who?" she asked. "Who did he murder?"

"We were way the hell out in the Vayt sector," Rios began. "Picked up a diplomatic mission out of nowhere. Tiny ship. Unknown design. Two passengers. We scanned them. They checked out. We sent the info to Starfleet and notified them of a first contact. Then we beamed them onboard. The ambassador, Beautiful Flower… and his young protégé."

"Jana," Raffi supplemented. That was another piece of information she had gathered from the various holograms.

Rios continued his story. "We shake hands. We sit down, have a bite to eat. Few hours later, Alonzo Vandermeer kills them both in cold blood." He paused. "Takes them both out with two quick pops of a phaser."

"Why?" Raffi wonders aloud.

"It was a black-flag directive, straight from Starfleet Security. He told me they said if he disobeyed, the ibn Majid would be destroyed with all hands."

"What?" Raffi voiced. She was shocked. That did not sound like anything Starfleet would ever order.

"I went at him hard. Pretty hard." Cris's eyes began to dart from side to side. He breathed shakily and grunted before continuing. "That's when he put the phaser in his mouth and pulled the trigger."

"Oh, Cris," Raffi soothed.

It was obvious Rios was trying not to scream. "And when everything happened with Agnes today… It was the same."

Raffi felt her own eyes beginning to water.

"Someone beams aboard. They're here for a few hours. Then they're murdered. Then the murderer kills, or tries to kill, themself."

"I'm so sorry babe," Raffi said, placing a hand on Rios's cheek.

"For so long I've thrown myself forward, maintaining momentum to keep from breaking down. I don't think I can do it anymore Raffi."

"You don't have to Cris. You don't have to."

Agnes slowly opened her eyes to see Picard looking down on her. He was blurry at first, but her vision quickly focused.

"Did it work?" Agnes asked quietly, her voice a little raspy.

"You neutralised the viridium, if that's what you mean," Picard answered sternly. He seemed disappointed.

"We are no longer being tracked by the Tal Shiar," Picard continued. "We are now headed for Deep Space 12. When we arrive, you will surrender yourself to the authorities for the murder of Bruce Maddox."

Agnes felt tears well up in her eyes and as she closed them, they spilt out. She nodded, too ashamed to look at Picard's face but still hearing him sigh. From the sound of it, it seemed like Picard had almost believed Agnes hadn't killed him.

"I have been trying to work it out. How you could have done such a thing. He was your mentor. Your… lover?"

Agnes felt her eyebrows knot together as more tears slid down her face.

Picard sighed again. "Why?" he asked desperately.

Agnes took a shaky breath and chewed on her bottom lip. "I had to." She was looking straight at Picard, but she didn't seem to be seeing him. Her mind was elsewhere.

"When Commodore Oh came to find me that day, she-… She did something to me. Poisoned me."

"So, the head of Starfleet Security had you ingest a viridium tracker?"

"Yes." Agnes replied. She knew it sounded absurd, but it was true. "But that's not what I'm talking about." Agnes inhaled sharply, a reflex to hold back oncoming tears, as she began to tremble. "She put poison in my mind, Picard. She… put her hands on my head and poured in…" Agnes couldn't continue. It hurt too much. She squeezed her eyes shut as her body wracked with sobs she refused to let out. "She put in a psychic block to keep me from talking about it."

"Oh… you must fight-" Picard instructed.

"I don't want to talk about it!" Agnes yelled, surprising Picard. She felt bad. She didn't mean to snap, but she couldn't help it. "Do you believe in hell?" she asked Picard.

From Picard's reaction, she could tell he didn't.

"Yeah, neither did I," Agnes explained. "Until I saw it. Now… I think about suicide every day. That's how I comfort myself."

Picard felt bad for Agnes. Of course he did. But she'd murdered someone and seen things that he needed to understand. "Was this experience, this… vision of Oh's, one that she lived through herself?"

"No. No," Agnes said, shaking her head. "It happened… thousands of centuries ago. Because of hubris. Hubris like Bruce's."

"Because of synthetic life?"

"We are at a threshold. I saw it Picard. Oh showed me. Unless we act quickly and destroy even the possibility of synthetic life…"

"Hell will come again," Picard finished.

Agnes just gave a small nod.

"I need you to tell me what you saw," Picard demanded.

"I can't," Agnes sobbed. Whenever she tried, it was like running into a brick wall only to get back up and charge back in faster.

"Push through the block."

"I'm trying," she moaned. And she was, but she felt like her head was caving in. Pain throbbed so violently around her skull that she wondered whether it would just crack open.

"Try harder."

As Agnes opened her mouth to voice what she was thinking, a small amount of her feeling victorious for pushing past the block but mostly just relieved that she wouldn't need to keep pushing, no words formed. It was like the air had been sucked right out of her. She felt her throat constrict as if something was squeezing it. She brought her hands up to her throat, grabbing at it in an attempt to move whatever was blocking her airways. But nothing was there. She tried to breathe in but couldn't. She began to panic but that only made her lack of oxygen more pronounced. It was like the uranium hydride all over again. Agnes didn't want to go through it again. She looked to Picard with tear-filled eyes wide with terror and he seemed to get the message she was trying to convey.

"Activate EMH," Picard commanded in that authoritative tone of his.

"What is the nature of your medical emergency?"

From his room which was situated near the Medbay, Rios and Raffi both heard the EMH ask in his English accent, "What is the nature of your medical emergency?" That was all Rios needed to spur back into action. He entered the Medbay to see the EMH, happy as ever, looking from Picard to Agnes; neither displaying physical signs of struggle. Unlike his hologram assistant, Cris noticed the problem right away. Agnes was gripping at her neck, face bright red as she struggled to intake air. She seemed to be choking though nothing was holding her. Had she injected herself with something again? Cris really hoped not. He got to Agnes just in time to catch her as she staggered backwards and suddenly fell towards the ground. He looked down to see her eyes rolling backwards into their sockets, leaving just the milky whites visible. Not long after, Agnes's eyes closed as she fell into the realm of unconsciousness.

Then she took a breath.

And then another.

They were shallow and fast but they meant Agnes was breathing which was a lot better than a second ago. Rios himself let out a breath that he didn't realise he was holding. Laying Agnes back down on the bed, he turned to look at Picard, Raffi and the EMH, all of whom were quiet.

"Someone tell me what the hell is going on," Rios demanded, his voice ice cold.

"It seems as though Agnes was choking, Captain Rios," the EMH stated chirpily when no one else stepped forward to answer.

"But why?" Cris asked through gritted teeth.  
"Now that I am unsure of. She did not inject herself with anything, did not swallow anything that could be constricting her airways, and nothing was physically holding her neck although that is what her behaviour suggested," the EMH analysed.

With no definitive answer forthcoming from the hologram, Rios deactivated it and turned to Picard.

"I'm sorry Rios, but I'm really not sure what happened," Picard answered truthfully, "But I was pressing her to break through a psychic block."

Cris punched the wall closets to him hard and winced at the impact. He shook his hand, trying to shake out the pain but accomplishing nothing. When the EMH popped back up and gave Rios a thermal regenerator, her refused it and once again deactivated the hologram. He also shook his head at Raffi when she made a move towards him.

"I truly am sorry," Picard reiterated.

Cris just grunted in response and sat down beside Agnes. Eventually everyone else left. Raffi came in twice after that. Once to offer him some food and once to see if he was going to get some rest. The answer was no both times.

Rios spent the night watching Agnes. Her complexion was ashen. Her natural rosy skin sunken in tone to something so lifeless it scared Rios just to look at her. All he could do was stroke her blonde hair and hold her hand. It barely seemed enough. From time to time his eyes would drop to the bedsheets, but mostly they were fixed on Agnes's face in a soft stare so that when she opened her eyes, he'd be the first thing she saw. Rios had been in dark places before, felt more pain than he though a human body could bare, but it never affected him in this way. Because this time it wasn't just his mind that was broken, it was also his heart.

When Agnes's eyes fluttered open it was just past two in the morning. Rios wasn't sure what to think. Yesterday he hated Agnes for what she did and wanted to forget her. Yet here he was, speaking to her gently after spending the better part of a night by her side holding her hand and playing with her hair. And he didn't hate her. And he didn't blame her for what she had done.

"Hey," Rios said, stroking her cheek.

"Hi," she responded quietly, giving him a small smile, but Cris knew her heart wasn't in it. Agnes's eyes were frozen over like the surface of a winter lake, robbing them of their usual warmth. He knew she was in there, but it's like she had taken a huge step back from life. He wanted to tell her that everything was okay, but she wouldn't believe him. He wanted to rekindle the spark in her eyes, but her insides were too damp with unshed tears.

"Can I ask you something?"

Agnes nodded shyly in response.

"When you injected yourself with the uranium hydride, were you trying to kill yourself?"

Agnes pondered the question and the wait frightened Rios.

"No," is all Agnes responded with.

"No as in you weren't trying to kill yourself?" Cris asked, needing clarification.

"No, I wasn't trying to kill myself," Agnes responded grimly. "I guess I just didn't really care if I did."

Cris felt himself start to cry. Something he hadn't done in over a decade. He never exposed himself emotionally. I guess with Agnes it was different. "But I care Agnes," he said. "So please promise me you'll never do it again."

"O-Okay," she said, taken aback by Cris's reaction. She'd never really thought that anyone would care if she was gone. It was a very strange experience to be lying on a bed looking up at someone crying because they thought they might lose you. An experience Agnes never thought she'd, well, experience.

"Promise me."

"I-I promise. I promise."

"Good," Rios said with a chuckle. "That's good."

After a few minutes, Agnes broke the silence with, "Umm, what happened?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing," Rios responded. "When I came in it was like you were choking, but there was nothing actually choking you. Then you just collapsed. I thought you might have injected yourself with something again but Picard and the EMH said you didn't."

"No, I didn't," Agnes confirmed.

"Has anything like this ever happened before?"  
"Not really."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well," Agnes began, "I was sitting in my room trying to voice what Oh had shown me aloud. My brain felt all messed up so I thought hearing it could, I don't know, make it easier to think through. I remember finding it really hard to speak though. It was like there was a wall in my mind and to talk about everything I had to climb it. But the wall was way too high to climb which meant I just had to break through it." Agnes took a deep breath. "When I tried breaking through, I felt like I was busting my brain apart. I took some Panadol to make it hurt less, but it didn't make a difference. Eventually, I felt the wall crack but then everything went black and when I opened my eyes it was 1pm the next day. I thought I must have passed out from the pain but that didn't seem entirely correct. I looked up what had happened and determined that a psychic block must have been put in place stopping me from talking about what I saw. If you break the block, you hurt yourself instead. I didn't try again after that. At least not until Picard forced me to. But then when I was with Picard I couldn't breathe and it felt like someone was squeezing my neck and it all was like when I injected myself with the uranium hydride and-" Agnes stopped and took a deep breath. She needed to calm herself down. "With Picard it was different," Agnes explained more calmly, "worse."

Rios squeezed her hand tightly. "We won't let it happen again."

Agnes gulped but nodded. Hesitant to say the question but needing to know the answer, she asked Rios, "But… why do you care? About what happened. About me?"

Rios didn't even need to think about what he said in response.

"I care because you're Agnes P. Jurati. You're bright and you're bubbly and you're the most wonderful person I've ever met. When I'm sitting alone on the Bridge, most people would leave me alone or ignore me, but you come over and talk. You make me smile and you make me laugh, sometimes at myself, and you water my plants. You talk about how space is boring and complain about my lack of holo's and you try to make conversation with me, even if it's a morbid topic like living with the consciousness of death. You're smile is brighter than all the stars in any galaxy; and trust me I've been to a few. You're inolvidable Agnes. And I love you."

When Rios next looked at Agnes, her eyes were sparkling and she was smiling her million mega-watt smile. She looked like the Agnes that Rios had first fallen in love with. That alone warmed his heart. But then she said the words, "I love you too," in her perfect sing-song voice before pulling Rios into a passionate kiss. And that's when Cristóbal's heart began to melt. He wasn't much of a hugger, in fact he hated teddy bears as a kid, but that didn't stop Cris from pulling Agnes closer to his chest, breathing her in and savouring the knowledge that she was okay. And if she was okay then he would be okay. And then they would be okay together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! I really appreciate feedback and would love to know what you think in a review :)


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